The ‘idea’ fling
When creative excitement wanes — is it self sabotage or self-awareness?
Today I was supposed to start a 3 month online coaching programme for my Carousel community.
I’m not.
I debated whether this is something I should even acknowledge publicly. Surely it’s better not to mention it and have people assume it’s still happening. Wouldn’t owning up about this look extremely unprofessional?
But I also know that the process I went through — having a creative idea and then deciding not to run with it — is something multi-passionates grapple with all the time. And maybe, just maybe, me sharing my experience could release one of you from the grip of guilt about letting go of what no longer feels alive for you right now.
In my case the whole process from creation to extinction took place within a few days:
A month ago I had a download of inspiration to create an online course. In a total cliche, it came to me whilst dancing outdoors in a field at ecstatic dance event. On the Monday morning during Writers’ Hour I opened my notebook and wrote down the entire programme. It was all there, ready to go, pouring onto the page.
I enlisted the help of a designer, got the copy and visuals ready, and then launched it Friday morning — 4 days later. I was in a total flow state. I felt energised, excited and full of beans.
And then, almost as quickly as it had come, the inspiration and energy for the project left me.
Where did it go?
Was I just tired from getting it ready and needing to refuel?
Was I aware I’d need to promote it and dreading the salesy bit?
Did I not want to deal with rejection of no-one signing up?
Or had I simply moved on from the idea?
I couldn’t believe that something that had felt so alive had left me, and I assumed it must be self-sabotage. I judged myself for being so fickle, for lacking commitment.
But where the project had previously been, was now empty space. Whereas before I had spoken about it with focused energy, I now could barely find the words to explain it.
My housemate gave me the wise advice to step back from it for a week — there was no point pushing a course from ambivalence.
So I waited.
But a week later I still felt completely disconnected from it. I walked in the woods (my creative inspiration place) and tried to reconnect with the buzz I’d felt the previous week. Why was I feeling like this?
A good friend jumped on the phone with me, curious. After some prompting and coaching she helped me realise two things about what had happened.
- I’d wanted to create something, and that bit was complete.
I’m an ideas person, so I get a lot of energy back from brainstorming. The creation of the project (the design of the programme, the collaboration with the designer etc.) had actually been the project, not the running of the coaching programme — that’s why it felt complete once it had been launched.
It made me think of times in the past when I’ve spent entire days coming up with business ideas, and feeling totally nourished by that creative brainstorm, but not needing to actually launch the business.
2. I wasn’t working in my Zone of Genius
I had believed that ‘more experienced coaches do longer programmes’. This of course is not the case — there are many high end coaches whose USP is one day events (eg. Tony Robbins) — but I was forcing myself to fit into a new mold that didn’t match my natural working style.
I love running events that are short, sharp bursts — a comedy night, a day of musical joy, a workshop, a weekend creative retreat. It’s that focus on a single moment in time that helps me gather people. But this belief had moved me away from my Zone of Genius, and was venturing into something that would actually drain me.
(Ironically, by making it a 3 month long programme the Carousel Coaching Programme had been the least ‘Carousel-esque’ thing in nature that I’d ever offered!)
As I reconnected with the way I love to work, a million new ideas came to me of ways I could re-package the coaching programme in a way that worked for me and energised me, which I am now focusing on.
I’m sharing all this because it’s something that happens all the time: our initial excitement for something wanes. In that moment it can be hard to know, is our lack of interest a form of self-sabotage because we are too scared to see it be a success? Or is it actually deep self-awareness that it no longer feels like something we want to spend time on?
Far from seeing this as a failure, this was an example of creative experimentation that we get to do when we run our own venture. I had an idea, brought it into being, felt totally energised by the experience, and then when it no longer felt alive, I moved on.
Do you have a creative project that once felt alive but seems to have ‘left you? Some questions to ponder:
- What have you learned about the way you like to work from the initial stages of putting this idea into the world? Which part of it excited you? What drained you? Where did you feel momentum and energy? Where did it start to feel heavy and sluggish?
- Does the original conception of the project in itself feel complete? Do you need to do anything else with it? Or was that the project?
- What will not continuing this project give space for? What is here instead that DOES feel alive?
